


for all those who have sinned and fallen short

by tinybox



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Angst and Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Male-Female Friendship, Pre-Canon, Religious Discussion, Swearing, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27233848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinybox/pseuds/tinybox
Summary: Bloody Mary: have you ever wanted to fuck jesus?You: i mean, not really. can't say i've thought about it tho tbhBloody Mary: me eitherBloody Mary: but you know who would?You: ur husband?Bloody Mary: yep. i'm not even joking, he's literally fucking jesus. clarification: he's fucking someone who happens to be named jesus, not the actual jesus.Bloody Mary: although now that i think about it, the guy might be the real deal who the hell knows i don't.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. rightly handling the word of truth

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11619036) by [gremble](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gremble/pseuds/gremble). 



**Bloody Mary: Happy hour just started & yet you're not here, are you gonna make me find someone else to drink with tonight?**

**You: ouch. don't u always say 'bros before hos?'**

**Bloody Mary: Yeah, but that only when you're around. It's fair game when I'm by myself, sailor.**

**You: calm your tits**

**You: i'm putting pants on rite now**

**You: be there in fifteen mins**

**Bloody Mary: My tits are not, and will never be, calm. Also, show up any later than that and you'll be flying solo for tonight, bobert.**

**You: and dont call me bobert i will literally cut you**

**Bloody Mary: just for that I'm going to give you ten minutes to get here.**

**You: fuck**

**Bloody Mary: make it five mins**

* * *

**Bloody Mary: joseph's found my "secret" wine stash**

**Bloody Mary: jokes on him that stash wasn't even the good stuff & it wasn't even the real secret stash**

**Bloody Mary: anyway, guess what tonight is**

**Bloody Mary: robert**

**Bloody Mary: robert**

**Bloody Mary: robert**

**Bloody Mary: robbers**

**Bloody Mary: roberto**

**Bloody Mary: robbie**

**Bloody Mary: robert**

**You: jesus alright what do you want i'm trying to bury a body here**

**Bloody Mary: guess what tonight is**

**You: are we going bar hopping?**

**Bloody Mary: no**

**Bloody Mary: i'll give you a hint**

**Bloody Mary: b o a t**

**You: wait hang on**

**You: oh god is it yacht nite?**

**Bloody Mary: ding ding ding we have a winner!!!!!!**

**Bloody Mary: come over i just ordered a shit ton of chinese food with joseph's credit card. the older kids are having a sleepover so it'll be just us and the youngest spawn.**

**Bloody Mary: rob?**

**You: i'm right outside**

* * *

**Bloody Mary: have you ever wanted to fuck jesus?**

**You: i mean, not really. can't say i've really thought about it tho**

**Bloody Mary: me either**

**Bloody Mary: but you know who would?**

**You: ur husband?**

**Bloody Mary: yep. i'm not even joking, he's literally fucking jesus. clarification: he's fucking someone who happens to be named jesus, not the actual jesus**

**Bloody Mary: although now that i think about it, the guy might be the real deal who the hell knows i don't.**

**You: ask him to turn your water into wine**

**Bloody Mary: i don't need jesus to do that i can do that on my own**

**You: amen to that**

* * *

**Bloody Mary: get up**

****Bloody Mary: i know you're still in bed** **

****Bloody Mary: get up loser** **

****Bloody Mary: i know you're reading these messages** **

****Bloody Mary: ...****

****Bloody Mary: i'm coming over** **

****Bloody Mary: put on some pants****

* * *

**You: do u remember the first thing you said to me**

**You: at the bar**

**You: i was just sitting there trying to drown my sorrows or something and u walked up**

**You: and said somethin like 'hey, you're the guy who screwed my husband that one time. buy me a drink?'**

**You: and i bought you a drink bc tbh i thot you were going to murder me and dump my body in the woods**

**You: why didn't you?**

**Bloody Mary: so are u saying you wanted me to kill you? cause i can still do that but then i'd have to find a new drinking buddy**

**You: nah i'm good**

**You: it's just**

**You: you weren't**

**You: even made at me**

**You: *mad**

**Bloody Mary: you probably are aware of this by now, but that wasn't my first rodeo.**

**Bloody Mary: my husband's very good at what he does**

**You: other men?**

****Bloody Mary: exactly** **

**Bloody Mary: anyway, it wasn't your fault**

**You: i feel bad tho**

**Bloody Mary: well, you can make up for that by buying me another drink**

**You: jim n kims?**

**Bloody Mary: hell yeah**

**You: see you @ 6 then**


	2. that whoever believes in him shall not perish

"You know what you need?" Mary says, apropos of nothing. "You need a dog."

"A dog?" Robert grunts, before taking another shot. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he continues with, "Mary, if you hadn't noticed, I can barely take care of myself, let alone another living being."

Mary rolls her eyes. "You're doing pretty good with the plant I gave you last month. I mean, it's still alive and kicking."

Robert gestures to Neil for another shot. "A goddam cactus isn't even on the same level as a dog," he argues. "Besides, any idiot can keep a cactus from dying- they're the easiest plant to take care of."

"Here ya go," Neil says, plunking the glass of whiskey down in front of Robert. "I assume you want another one as well?" Neil asks Mary.

"It's like you don't even know me," Mary quips. "Also," she continues, "tell that to my husband. Every single plant he's ever had has never stayed alive for longer than a week. And one of them, might I add, was a cactus."

"Heh."

Robert takes a shot as Neil places Mary's drink in front of her. 

"Thanks, sailor."

Neil nods, before heading over to help another customer, a man wearing a truly hideous lime-green floral shirt, who had just stumbled on shaky legs toward the bar counter with a wad of crumpled dollar bills in hand.

Mary takes her shot.

"Did I ever tell you about the pets I had growing up?" Mary asks. 

"Nope."

"Well, we had a shit-ton of animals. At one point during my life, there were seven cats, two dogs, one bird, and a goldfish all living under one roof. Oh, and there was a raccoon that lived under our porch for two years; he'd scratch on the back door at night begging for food. Friendliest wild animal I've ever met. My older sister named him Captain Miggins, and she loved that little guy. Really tore her up when he got hit by a truck."

"I didn't know you had a sister," Robert says, lining up all the empty shot glasses in a neat little row. 

"Yeah, well, I haven't spoken to her in about fifteen years. You know, if it weren't for Mags, I'd be considered the disappointment of the family."

Mary lets out a deep sigh. "She ran away at the age of sixteen to join some hippy cult in Ohio. Makes me not marrying a Catholic like my parents wanted seem tame in comparison."

"You sound disappointed," Robert teases, lightly jabbing Mary's side; she quickly swats his hand away with an annoyed grunt. 

"Eh, not really. I just hate going to family reunions."

"I completely understand. The last family reunion I went to still haunts me to this very day," Robert says solemnly. 

Mary rolls her eyes. 

"I remember that day as though it happened yesterday," Robert continues, gazing off into the distance. "The year was 1975, and I was but a young boy, barely even seven years old at the time."

Neil pours Mary another shot. "Here ya go."

"Thanks, sailor."

"Lemme ask you something, Neil. Have you ever heard of the Wendigo?" Robert asks turning to the bartender with a serious expression.

"Don't encourage him," Mary hisses under her breath. 

"Can't say I have," Neil admits, wiping off the used glasses. 

"The Wendigo is a former shell of a human being," Robert explains solemnly. "They are said to resemble a living corpse, to look like a gaunt skeleton recently risen from the grave. According to legends, a Wendigo is created whenever a human resorts to cannibalism to survive."

The man in the hideous shirt has taken notice of their conversation. 

"Are you talking about those supernatural creatures? Like...Mothman or some shit like that?" 

"Mothman's not real," Robert reflexively snaps back. "Anyway, my Uncle George thought it would be nice to take me out hunting, you know, as some kind of bonding activity. The plan was to hunt down simple game in the woods, such as rabbits or birds. Little did either of us know, that very soon, we would become the hunted..." 


	3. and the angels departed from her

**Bloody Mary: so yesterday Lucille was going around asking for suggestions on what to name her unborn spawn & she said she wanted biblical names**

**Bloody Mary: so i went up to her and said, "name picking is hard, isn't it? joseph would keep vetoing my ideas, which is a shame, because i've always thought lucifer was a nice name."**

**Bloody Mary: you should have seen her face! that's what I live for sometimes, you know? pissing off the church moms while also being in a position of power over them.**

**You: i mean** ****

**You: lucifer IS a name in the bible**

**You: dunno why she'd be so offended**

**Bloody Mary: she was also pissed that i called her unborn child a future crotch goblin**

**You: that's**

**You: that's a pretty good term to describe a baby**

**You: not gonna lie i think i may start using it myself**

**Bloody Mary: too late, I already trademarked it**

**You: damn you work fast**

**Bloody Mary: amen to that** ****

**Bloody Mary: wanna grab drinks tonight?**

**You: hell yeah**

**Bloody Mary: 🥂**

**You: mary i cant see those emotes**

**You: my phone sucks, remember?**

**Bloody Mary: i know 😘**

* * *

**Bloody Mary: joseph is quietly weeping in the bathroom rn because he killed yet another ficus**

**Bloody Mary: it's kind of pathetic, but it's also really funny to watch & listen to**

**Bloody Mary: he keeps whimpering to himself, "everything i touch dies"**

**Bloody Mary: I think he's gonna get the kids to help him bury the plant in the backyard**

**Bloody Mary: in other news, how's life with betsy?**

**You: well**

**You: it was a little**

**Bloody Mary: wait no**

**Bloody Mary: don't**

**Bloody Mary: stop**

**You: ruff at first**

**You: but i remained pawsitive and now we're best friends**

**Bloody Mary: while I'm happy you two are getting along, I also want to murder you rn**

**You: if you do, don't bury me next to the remains of joseph's dead plants**

**Bloody Mary: i won't**

**Bloody Mary: i have the feeling that they'd come back to life and start killing everyone if i buried you next to them**

**You: while that would be an excellent legacy, i still don't want to be buried there**

**Bloody Mary: don't worry, i won't let my best friend, bobert smalls, die...yet**

**You: love ya too mary**

* * *

**You: hey i was wondering**

**You: how do you teach an animal**

**You: to kill someone on command**

**You: not asking for a friend**

****Bloody Mary: wtf robert you can't teach your dog to kill people****

****You: i'm not talking about betsy btw** **

****You: i want to teach wild pigeons to kill my enemies** **

**Bloody Mary: we're not having this conversation**

**Bloody Mary: bye nerd**

**You: guess i'll check the internet then**

* * *

**Bloody Mary: I found jesus** ****

**You: send him to me** ****

**You: i think i need jesus in my life**

**Bloody Mary: i met him @ jim and kims**

**Bloody Mary: apparently he's a college professor**

**Bloody Mary: just to be clear, i'm not talking about the bible jesus**

**You: so he can't turn water into wine then**

****Bloody Mary: no** **

****Bloody Mary: but he did buy me a drink****

****Bloody Mary: he doesn't live in maple bay, so i didn't tell him about the whole joseph situation. not like he's sticking around or anything so i figured i'd just keep my mouth shut****

****You: probably for the best** **

****Bloody Mary: he might find about it on his own, but i doubt it.** **

****Bloody Mary: i also found out that his name is pronounced like the jesus from the bible** **

****Bloody Mary: which means i can finally say that my husband literally had jesus deep inside of him.** **

****You: good one****

****Bloody Mary: thank you** **

* * *

****Bloody Mary: I hate this town** **

****Bloody Mary: and everyone in it** **

****You: same** **

****Bloody Mary: I just want...** **

****Bloody Mary: i don't know what i want anymore****

****You: hey** **

****You: want me to beat someone up for you?** **

****You: just say the word** **

****You: and i'll do it** **

****Bloody Mary: thanks but no thanks** **

****Bloody Mary: i can handle things like this on my own** **

****Bloody Mary: you know what's funny?** **

****Bloody Mary: even if the whole town knew about joseph, they'd still call me a bitch** **

****Bloody Mary: and sometimes i wonder if it's my fault** **

****Bloody Mary: which is fucked up i know** **

****You: hey** **

****You: wanna come over to my place?** **

****You: i just rented the movie "meaner girls", and i heard it's terrible. wanna watch it with me?** **

****Bloody Mary: hell yeah. i'll bring cheap wine** **

****You: and mary** **

****You: it's not your fault at all** **

****You: don't ever try and tell yourself it is** **

* * *

****You: hey** **

****You: hey** **

****You: hey** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****Bloody Mary: and this is relevant in what way exactly?** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****Bloody Mary: i know, you just said that** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****Bloody Mary: wait a moment** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****Bloody Mary: fuck it, i'm breaking my phone****

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

****You: i just found out that Larry Tesler, a computer scientist who is most well-known for creating the seminal computer concepts cut, copy, and paste, died on monday at age 74.** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to Larry Tesler (1945-2020) for making all of our lives easier with the invention of the cut-copy-paste shortcut.  
> I dedicate this chapter to Larry Tesler (1945-2020) for making all of our lives easier with the invention of the cut-copy-paste shortcut.  
> I dedicate this chapter to Larry Tesler (1945-2020) for making all of our lives easier with the invention of the cut-copy-paste shortcut.  
> I dedicate this chapter to Larry Tesler (1945-2020) for making all of our lives easier with the invention of the cut-copy-paste shortcut.


	4. against such things there is no law

**Bloody Mary: now, normally I'm not one of 'those moms' or whatever who say their kids are amazing gifts from above or whatever, but I'm actually kind of proud of my brats rn**

**You: lemme guess**

**You: did they do something illegal**

**Bloody Mary: not illegal in a technical sense, they're not old enough to commit any interesting crimes. so, yesterday the church had this event where people could set up their own booths to sell stuff to people. raising money for the church and whatnot.**

**Bloody Mary: among the masses selling cookies or painting faces, there was a lone booth selling popsicle sticks, which they claimed to be "from the cross jesus died on"**

**Bloody Mary: $5 per stick**

**You: that's**

**You: amazing**

**You: how much money did they make**

**Bloody Mary: $35**

**Bloody Mary: all the church moms are PISSED because my kids didn't put the cash in the donation box at the end of the night so effectively**

**Bloody Mary: my brats conned a bunch of other brats out of their lunch money**

**Bloody Mary: Joseph is trying to get them to tell him where they put the money but not one of them is talking**

**You: guess they really were listening**

**You: when i told them about the fifth amendment**

**Bloody Mary: good job, sailor. you taught them well**

**You: thanks**

**You: i pride myself on being a terrible influence**

**Bloody Mary: wear that like badge of honor, soldier**

**You: yes ma'am**


	5. he will not leave you or forsake you

**Bloody Mary: yo, nerd**

**Bloody Mary: i have a mission for you**

**You: do u need me to bury a body?**

**You: cus i can do that no prob**

**Bloody Mary: Dames is sick with the flu, and I**

**Bloody Mary: wait**

**You: i'm just so happen to be good at digging holes**

**Bloody Mary: wtf**

**Bloody Mary: I just need someone to help out @ the shelter today, since Dames isn't able to volunteer today.**

**Bloody Mary: but i do appreciate the fact you'd help me bury a body no questions asked**

**You: that's what friends are for**

**Bloody Mary: anyway, i know you don't have plans, like, EVER, so help a gal out?**

**You: i'm not sure how u found my schedule**

**You: but you need to burn it b4 my enemies find it**

**Bloody Mary: sure, whatever. can you help or not?**

**You: can i pet all the dogs?**

**Bloody Mary: no duh**

**You: then i'll be there**

**Bloody Mary: thanks, robbie**

**You: don't call me that**

**Bloody Mary: whatever, nerd**

* * *

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: marrry**

**You: maryyyy**

**You: mAry**

**You: mary can you**

**You: see this**

**You: MARY i have spmthinf to say**

**Bloody Mary: rob?**

**You: yesh it is i, robert smallllsssssssssssssssss**

**Bloody Mary: did you get drunk w/o me or something?**

**Bloody Mary: for shame, bobert, for shame**

**You: there;s this quote that i remember mary**

**You: from a book**

**You: i red**

**You: *reed**

**You: **read**

**Bloody Mary: rob? are u doing alright?**

**You: i drink to forget, but i always remember**

**Bloody Mary: smalls, please tell me you're at home**

**You: yesh i'm fine dont**

**You: worry about it**

**Bloody Mary: I'm coming over**

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**Bloody Mary: if you don't open the door rn i'm breaking in**

**You: its**

**You: unclocked**

* * *

**You: kill me**

**Bloody Mary: robert I am literally sitting on the couch in the other room, why are you texting me?**

**You: head hurrrrts all sound is too much**

**You: kill me i crave**

**You: death**

**Bloody Mary: did u have fun last night w/o me?**

**You: not really**

**You: the guy wasnt very good at kissing & he smelled like onions**

**You: breath tasted like onions too**

**Bloody Mary: gross, tmi**

**Bloody Mary: tell me more, I demand gossip**

**You: he really sweaty in waaaaaaaaay 2 many places even b4 we did anything**

**Bloody Mary: so....**

**You: i was gonna go for it anyway, bc wth not, but then he** **asked me to call him daddy**

**Bloody Mary: lol**

**You: so**

**You: and so out he went into the cold nite**

**Bloody Mary: you have advill or anything?**

**You: no**

****Bloody Mary: since i'm a nice and amazing friend, i'll get you some. try not to die while i'm out** **

****You: thank u** **

****You: no promises tho on the dying thing** **

* * *

****Bloody Mary: do you wanna watch a movie w/ me at the theater?** **

****Bloody Mary: i'll even pay for snacks****

****You: mary** **

****You: what's the catch?** **

****Bloody Mary: Excuse you, I am a very kind and generous person when I want to be.** **

****Bloody Mary: but yeah i guess there's just one tiny favor you'd be doing me** **

****You: go on** **

****Bloody Mary: ugh ok fine** **

****Bloody Mary: i've been roped into taking christie and some other girls from church to see that new sparkle pony movie** **

****You: i knew there was a catch** **

****Bloody Mary: 🖕****

****You: still cant see that emoji, mary** **

**Bloody Mary: 👏 good 👏 for 👏 you 👏**

**You: why do u want me to come anyway?**

**Bloody Mary: bc i need someone else to suffer with me**

**You: take joseph then**

**You: isnt suffering part of your religion?**

**Bloody Mary: he was going to come, actually-** **but then he said he had "forgotten about plans i'd made earlier" and that he was "so sorry, but i'll have to take a raincheck this time"**

**Bloody Mary: Besides i hate watching movies with joseph**

**Bloody Mary: Every time i make a single noise, he gets huffy and shushes me.** ****

**Bloody Mary: come on bobert, you owe me one**

**You: i dont owe you anything**

**You: but**

**You: ok i'll go** ****

**Bloody Mary: great, the show's tmrw @ 6pm**

**Bloody Mary: be there or be square** ****


	6. cleanse us all from unrighteousness

**Bloody Mary: thanks for coming w/ me to the stupid sparkle pony movie**

**You: no prob, boss**

****Bloody Mary: as thanks, i'll buy you one drink at the bar tonite. just one, though** **

****You: nice** **

**Bloody Mary: anyway, in other news, i think i've found myself a new nemesis**

**Bloody Mary: check this dweeb out**

**You: whoever he is**

**You: he sure has style ;)**

**Bloody Mary: that man is Don Featherstone, the creator of the pink plastic flamingos. and no, he does NOT have style, boberto smalls**

****Bloody Mary: the hatred i feel for those plastic birds is just** ** ****

****You: haters gonna hate hate hate** **

****Bloody Mary: UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH****

****Bloody Mary: and of course, joseph loves those stupid plastic birds 🤮****

****Bloody Mary: he keeps buying them and i keep "losing" them** **

****You:** ** ****if i had to imagine** **

****You: the man who invented them** **

****You: tbh this is what i would picture him looking like.** **

****Bloody Mary: i know, right?****

* * *

**Bloody Mary: so i just found out that the guy who invented the plastic flamingos is dead**

**You: lemme guess**

**You: he was killed by a flock of rabid flamingoes**

**Bloody Mary: no wtf is wrong with you?**

**You: what's right with me?**

**Bloody Mary: ugh, whatever**

**You: so i guess you can't challenge him to a duel then**

**Bloody Mary: I wasn't going to do that in the first place, weirdo**

**Bloody Mary: also, I'm pretty sure birds can't get rabbis**

**You: u don't kno that**

****You: wat r you, some kinda bird expert?** **

****Bloody Mary: no** **

****Bloody Mary: but i do have common sense** **

****You: wtf how is that common sense???** ** ****

****Bloody Mary: it just is, bobert** **

****You: don't call me bobert i will literally stab you with your own high heels** **

****Bloody Mary: fine then** **

****Bloody Mary: no free drink for you >:)** **

****You: wait** **

****You: no** **

****You: mary please reconsider** **

****Bloody Mary: nope** **

****You: wait were u even going to buy me that free drink in the first place?** **

****Bloody Mary: i guess you'll never know** **

****You: fuck** **

* * *

****You: hey mary** **

****You: do you think jesus went thru an angsty teenage phase?** **

****Bloody Mary: hell yeah he did****

****You: tellin joseph "ur not my real dad" and smoking weed in his parent's basement.** ** ****

****You: wait, did they have basements back then?** **

****Bloody Mary: no fucking clue** **

****You: big mood** **

****Bloody Mary: stop trying to be cool with your teen slang, bobert** **

****You: excuse u i am always cool** **

****Bloody Mary: you wish** **

**You: rude**

**Bloody Mary: in other news, the Duchess got out again this morning. took me and dames waaaaaaaay too long to find her, considering she's a gigantic pup with no hiding skills whatsoever**

**You: she has a free spirit that cannot be contained**

**Bloody Mary: unfortunately**

**You: i'm gonna assume damien named her, right?**

**You: it's a very classy name**

****Bloody Mary: fuck you, are you trying to imply that i can;t be classy?** **

****You: no, it just sounds really victorian or elizabethanian or whatever era damien's into** **

****Bloody Mary: but yeah, you're right** **

****Bloody Mary: dames named her** **

**You:** **it suits her**

****Bloody Mary: yeah, dames is great at naming things** **

****You: agreed** **

* * *

****Bloody Mary: hey nerd** **

****Bloody Mary: you still have your shitty-ass phone?** **

****You: yeah** **

****You: why?** **

****Bloody Mary: no reason** **

****Bloody Mary: 🍹🌺🌵💅🏼🛀🏻🖖🏻🖕🏻👣☠️🤮🥳🦷** **

****You: fuck off** **

****Bloody Mary: never gonna happen, bitch****

****You: asshole** **

****Bloody Mary: thank you 😘** **


	7. honor thy mother and father

**Worksheet- Getting to Know You!**

**My name is:** Chris Christiansen 

**I am** 11 **years old**

 **My favorite color is:** I don't have a favorite color. Colors are stupid. 

**In my free time, I like to:** draw or sleep or watch tv by myself for hours and not talk to anyone at all.

 **Name the members of your family:** I have a mom, dad, two brothers, and one sister. I can tolerate them mostly.

 **In ten years, I would like to be:** not dead in a ditch

 **My favorite food(s) is/are:** peanut butter, chocolate without nuts, and pineapple pizza.

 **My least favorite food(s) is/are:** onions and lasagna.

 **One interesting fact about me is:** I can touch my nose with my tongue if I try really hard. But I don't usually bother.

 **Things that make me happy:** not having to do these stupid worksheets.

 **Things that make me sad:** none of your business

 **My favorite genre is music is:** I hate music.

 **Do you have someone who you look up to?** Tell my dad (if he asks) that I respect Jesus and stuff. My mom won't care.

 **Is there anything else you'd like to share:** no


	8. deliver us from evil

**Bloody Mary: hey**

**Bloody Mary: i don't think i'm in the mood for going out tonight**

**You: r u okay?**

**Bloody Mary: no**

**Bloody Mary: i'm used to it, though**

**Bloody Mary: today's been just a bit shittier than most**

**You: is there anything i can do?**

**Bloody Mary: no**

**Bloody Mary: there's nothing you can do**

**Bloody Mary: there's nothing i can do**

**You: mary can i come over?**

**Bloody Mary: no**

**Bloody Mary: he's here**

**Bloody Mary: we're going to be having "family dinner" & **

**Bloody Mary: pretending to be normal functioning human beings with a working marriage in front of the kids**

**Bloody Mary: whatever it doesn't matter**

**Bloody Mary: ttyl nerd**

* * *

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: guess who bought waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much banana bread?**

**You: i'll give u a hint**

**You: it's me**

**Bloody Mary: and????**

**You: i need ur help mary**

**Bloody Mary: what's the deal, you never share your food**

**You: just come over, okay?**

**Bloody Mary: fine, but this better not be a trap**

* * *

**Bloody Mary: i got a call from school today about chris. apparently the teacher is "concerned about his recent assignment"**

**Bloody Mary: it was one of those assignments where u answer questions about yourself, and one of them was asking the kids what they'd like to be in ten years**

**You: so what did he say**

**Bloody Mary: "not dead in a ditch"**

**You: omg**

****Bloody Mary: there were a couple other answers that were also "concerning"** **

**You: heh**

**You: like wat?**

****Bloody Mary: well, he said he only vaguely tolerated the rest of the family 😂****

**You: ouch**

****Bloody Mary: chris told me and the guidance counselor that he didn't think the teachers actually read those worksheets** **

****Bloody Mary: & ** ** ****he assumed they were just there to keep everyone distracted** **

****You: same** **

****Bloody Mary: anyway, chris is going to be meeting with the school counselor once a week** **

****Bloody Mary: joseph isn't too happy bc he thinks he can do the job better or whatever** **

****You: like hell i'd tell my dad about my problems** **

****Bloody Mary: same** **

****Bloody Mary: also, in other news, i think i'm becoming a basic bitch 😱****

****You: ???** **

****You: wdym** **

**Bloody Mary: i started using emoticons like these: ☠️🤐😽🐟 just to annoy you bc you can't see them with your shitty phone, but now i'm using them when i text other people 🤷‍♀️**

**You: mary**

**You: if there;s one thing i kno, you will never be a basic bitch**

**Bloody Mary: r u implying that i couldn't be one? way to stereotype me, rob**

**You: wtf**

**You: but you just said**

**You: i can never win, can i?**

****Bloody Mary: nope** **

****You: fuck** **

****You: why r we even friends** **

****Bloody Mary: bc u love me** **

****You: i have to go now i have the olympics in five mins** **

****You: bye** **

****Bloody Mary: you can't hide from your emotions forever, bobert ;)** **

* * *

**Bloody Mary: so how was the Olympics? win any medals?**

**You: in fact, i did.**

**You: but i got mugged on the way to the airport by a man with a silver nose, and he stole all of them :(**

****Bloody Mary: yeah, right** **

****Bloody Mary: what would you even compete in, anyway?** **

****You: wrestled a bear** **

****Bloody Mary: with those noodle arms?** **

****You: hey, i work out occasionally** **

****You: i mean, i'm no craig but that doesn't mean i'm weak** **

****Bloody Mary: that man's on a whole different level than the rest of us puny mortals** **

****Bloody Mary: he's like a puppy dog with abs of steel** **

****You: damn that man also has a very nice ))** **

****Bloody Mary: wtf is that** **

****You: it's a butt** **

****Bloody Mary: fuck off, that's not a butt** **

****You: )*) is this better?****

****Bloody Mary: no, it's WORSE** **

****You: r u proud of me?** **

****Bloody Mary: no** **

****You: yes u are :D** **

****Bloody Mary: go to hell 🖕****

****You: i'm way ahead of you ;)** **


	9. to speak evil of no man

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**You: mary**

**Bloody Mary: jesus fucking christ**

**Bloody Mary: fucking stop fucking spamming texts boberto. you're on thin fucking ice**

**You: sheesh that's a lot of fucking in three sentences**

**You: hey**

**You: bad day?**

**Bloody Mary: 🖕**

**Bloody Mary: I'm still having a bad day. Julie, do you rember her, she's the one with the tattoo with a bible quote on her right boob**

**Bloody Mary: *remember**

**You: i remember her tattoo but that's it**

**Bloody Mary: well she was acting all fake nice at church today bc she wants to be in charge instead of me & she acts so high and mighty bc she thinks i'm going around banging strangers at the bars. she asked me how joseph was doing these days and how he felt about me being out so much**

**Bloody Mary: like she's not cheating on her husband with four other men**

**You: drama zone 8^D**

**Bloody Mary: wtf is that????**

**You: it's a smiley face**

**You: but w/ sunglasses on**

**You: like it?**

**Bloody Mary: no**

**You: if i had a heart**

**You: i wud be crushed :(**

**Bloody Mary: thank god you don't**

**You: neither do you**

**Bloody Mary: three cheers to that 🥳**

**Bloody Mary: also the church moms were gossiping about me today & how they can't believe joseph lets me go out so often & how he's such a saint for dealing w/ me lol**

**You: wtf "lets u go out"**

**You: thats messed up**

**Bloody Mary: I know, right?**

**You: he doesnt own u**

**Bloody Mary: Like, no duh. He couldn't do it even if he tried.**

* * *

**You: so**

**You: turns out pigeons r a lot harder to train then i thot it would be.**

**Bloody Mary: wtf**

**Bloody Mary: wtf why are you trying to train pigeons?????**

**Bloody Mary: oh god**

**Bloody Mary: not this again**

**You: dont worry, its not 4 the same reason.**

**You: i just want all my mail to be delivered via carrier pigeon**

**You: but i've been trying to catch a pigeon for about 4 hours & so far i've had**

**You: zero luck whatsoever**

**Bloody Mary: Are u on drugs rn or something? You can't just grab a bird off the street and expect it to deliver your mail wtf**

**You: that's why i'm going to train them**

**You: duh**

****Bloody Mary: you know what, I'll humor you. how tf have you been trying to catch pigeons???** **

****You: i have a medium-sized butterfly net & some hamburger buns to use as bait** **

****Bloody Mary: Yeah, that's not going to work** **

****You: says u** **

****You: shun the nonbeliever** **

****You: shun** **

****You: shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun** **

****Bloody Mary: i'm leaving forever don't @ me** **

* * *

**You: wyd**

**Bloody Mary: I'm at the shelter w/ dames. what about you?**

**You: i'm @ the coffee spoon just hangin out n stuff**

**You: kdtkfj**

**Bloody Mary: ???**

**You: the new guy & his daughter just came in **

**You: they're talking to mat rn**

**Bloody Mary: lemme guess**

**Bloody Mary: you think the new guy's hot?**

**You: shut up you dont know me**

**You: but yes**

**You: yes i do**

**You: oh god we just made eye contact**

**You: fuck**

**You: okay they left**

**Bloody Mary: did u get his number?**

**You: no**

**Bloody Mary: figures**

**You: stop judging me**

**Bloody Mary: never**

**Bloody Mary: But hey, he lives right next door to you. You still have plenty of chances**

**You: thanks mary**

**Bloody Mary: i believe in you, nerd**


End file.
